Back To The Start
by Ash Dogen
Summary: (Part of the 'Renewal' series) A smuggler and a princess attempt to chart the course of a fledgling relationship in the chaotic midst of a war. Essentially, what might have happened had it taken Han and Leia a lot less than three years to realise how they felt about one another. An AU version of the Han/Leia relationship that will span and eventually go beyond the OT timeline


_A few months ago, I wrote three or four chapters of an AU called Per Aspera Ad Astra. I might have said in the notes for that story that I never really planned it out, the idea for it came to me and I just wrote it without a clear plan of where it would go. And I pretty much hit a wall with it._

 _Having tried to come up with an idea of where it might go, I decided to rewrite the story and follow a plan that I have for this version, one that has ideas that will take this story far beyond the end of ROTJ and will not comply with the current post-OT canon._

 _I've rewritten the prologue of Per Aspera Ad Astra and it is really a midpoint of the story that will be explored in more depth later on. The first chapter will then begin on Yavin, in the immediate aftermath of ANH. The overall concept is the same as in Per Aspera Ad Astra and will follow the same narrative, I just want to change a few things and hopefully better develop the story and characters than I felt I was doing in the original story._

 _This will be a long story and I'll be writing it alongside a couple of other things I'm currently working on, so updates might be a little slow at times. But I hope anyone who does read it will enjoy and follow along._

 _All usual disclaimers apply._

* * *

 **HOTH**

 **3 ABY**

"General Rieekan! Sir, we've established contact with the _Millennium Falcon_!"

The Alliance staff that had gathered in the command centre fell silent. Tension hung thickly in the air, all eyes were fixed on General Carlist Rieekan as he bustled toward the console at which Lieutenant Toryn Farr was stationed, crouching beside her seat and pressing a headset tightly to his ear so that he could listen to the garbled message that was being transmitted by the stricken freighter.

Leia rushed to stand at Rieekan's shoulder, grasping tightly onto the back of Toryn's seat in an effort to steady herself, straining her ears in a vain attempt to hear the message herself.

"There's too much interference," Carlist muttered. "Try to increase the frequency," he instructed Toryn, "the storm is affecting our signal."

Not for the first time, Leia internally cursed the Alliance High Command's decision to relocate her unit to such an inhospitable world as Hoth; the planet's nightly snowstorms, like the one that was now pummelling the base, were proving to be a serious impingement on the operation that the Alliance was trying to establish on the planet.

"That's better," Carlist said as Toryn hurriedly turned a series of dials on her console. "It's a coded message...the _Falcon's_ communication systems have been damaged so they're limited to short-range capabilities."

"Are they okay?" Leia asked in as calm a voice as she could muster.

Carlist inclined his head toward her, his mouth twisted in both concentration and concern as he attempted to decipher the message that was being transmitted by the ship's crew.

"They're requesting that we have medical personnel standing by when they land," he answered gravely. "There's still a lot of static..." He shifted a little closer toward the console, gently manoeuvring a dial while the assembled crowd of Alliance personnel waited with baited breath. "Wait a moment," he murmured, having seemingly stumbled upon a clearer frequency. "they're transmitting their ETA... ten minutes out."

He handed the headset back to Toryn and rose upright from his haunches.

"That's about as much as I can make out," he said regretfully . "Lieutenant Farr, continue to monitor their approach, keep a line of communication open with them. And contact medical, tell them to have a triage unit assembled in the hangar in ten minutes...we don't know how many aboard the ship are hurt, nor how severely."

Leia hurriedly tried to blink away the tears that were now threatening to fall, to maintain her composure even as it teetered on the brink of crumbling.

 _I should have gone with them._

Three years spent amidst an unrelentingly brutal civil war had predisposed Leia to fear the worst whenever she was separated from those she cared about most. But an ominous sense of foreboding had settled within her as she'd watched the _Falcon_ lift off from Hoth two days earlier, a nagging anxiety that the ship was bound for disaster. Time had seemed to pass interminably while she'd awaited the _Falcon's_ return, clinging to a tenuous hope that her fears would be proven unfounded.

But when she'd been roused from a fitful sleep and summoned to the command centre by Carlist when word of the _Falcon's_ plight had reached the base, that fragile hope had shattered.

 _I should have gone with them...I should have been there._

The officers that had gathered around Carlist began to disperse and file out of the command centre, muttering amongst themselves in hushed tones. Leia's feet began moving almost involuntarily, carrying her toward the hangar, determined to be the first thing that her friends saw the moment they disembarked the ship.

She sensed Carlist at her shoulder as she strode through the icy corridors of Echo Base, conscious of him scrutinising her as they walked. Leia had become accustomed to his attentiveness in the three years they'd spent as close allies within the Rebellion; though the agony of their shared losses remained too intense for either of them to acknowledge it, Carlist had become something of a father figure in her life, a constant presence with whom she had come to share a familial bond. He could discern her moods and recognise when she was affecting a facade to conceal how she really felt in times of crisis.

When they reached the hangar, Leia felt him take a hold of her arm and steer her away from the small crowd that were awaiting the _Falcon's_ arrival and toward a quiet alcove.

"You look very pale," he said concernedly. "Are you alright?"

Leia nodded, afraid that speaking might betray her efforts to maintain her wavering composure.

"I'm sure that they're all fine," he told her. "I know you won't believe that until you see them, but Han wouldn't let anything happen to Luke...if any of them are hurt then Romili will see to it that they get whatever treatment they need, so I don't want you to assume the worst now...they are all going to be okay."

Leia wanted so badly to feel able to draw confidence from Carlist's surety; there was no hint of doubt in his demeanour, no reason to believe that he was simply trying to offer her false hope in a moment of anguish.

But her apprehension could not be assuaged.

"I should have stopped them from going," she said in barely more than an agonised murmur. "Something is wrong, Carlist, I know it."

Before he could reply, someone amongst the awaiting assembly called out that the _Millennium Falcon_ was making its final approach toward Echo Base and Leia's heart leapt.

Then her fear spiralled into abject terror.

Carlist kept a firm but comforting grip on her shoulder as they rejoined the gathered Alliance personnel, doing away with the sense of propriety that he was usually so meticulous about upholding when they were in the presence of others. They lingered on the edge of the milling crowd and Leia clasped her gloved hands together tightly in a futile attempt to prevent them from trembling.

 _This is what you get for allowing yourself to believe that there was a future for you beyond this war...for letting yourself think that you and Han had a future beyond this war...you should never have let your heart rule your head, let love outbalance logic...you knew that if you did, if you allowed yourself to love him, you would lose him._

Leia tried desperately to quell such cruel thoughts; she had promised herself nearly three years earlier that she would not regret the choice she had made to pursue a relationship with someone for whom she harboured feelings that simply could not be suppressed, had reasoned that she could not ignore the intensity with which she had been drawn to that person, whose love and devotion had sustained and healed her in her darkest moments.

The euphoria of loving someone so completely, and being loved unconditionally in return, had eventually worn down her resolve, had compelled her to contemplate a life beyond a war that she was terrified might never end. And so she had determined to not only fight for a better future for the galaxy, one that was free of conflict and oppression, but also for the future that she so desperately wanted to share with Han.

A future that she simply could not the bear the thought of losing now that she had so wholeheartedly embraced all of the endless possibilities that it entailed.

The vexatious noise of half-frozen gears grinding into motion echoed loudly as the heavy shield doors began to slowly creep open and, over the sound of the fierce wind and snowfall that was raging outside, the roar of a ship's thrusters grew steadily louder.

"Han will be alright," murmured Carlist beside her. "I promise you."

Leia did not offer a response; her attention was fixed on the _Falcon_ as it glided into the hangar, exhaling torrents of warm steam from its exhaust vents as the ship gently touched down.

As the boarding ramp began to lower, Leia immediately made to move toward the _Falcon_ but Carlist gently held her back.

"Let the medics go first," he told her, inclining his head to the small medical team that were already ascending the ramp, hurriedly guiding a hover-stretcher into the ship. "You'll see them in a moment."

While they waited for someone to emerge, as painful seconds stretched into agonising minutes, Leia took in the fresh damage that had been inflicted upon the _Falcon_ during its latest venture; blackened scorch marks flecked the already-dented plating while power conduits had been dislodged, exposing ruined power cables that now jutted outward from the ship's hull.

"It probably looks worse than it really is," noted Carlist, though Leia thought his voice now lacked the conviction it had held only moments before.

"I shouldn't have let them go, Carlist," Leia repeated. "Ord Mantell is so dangerous."

She watched as a medic stepped onto the boarding ramp, leading two officers who were tending to a prone body that lay upon the hover-stretcher. Feeling Carlist release his hold of her, Leia began to jostle her way through the crowd, desperate to get to whoever had been injured.

It was Luke, seemingly barely conscious. Leia could not suppress a horrified gasp at the condition of his face; his nose had clearly been broken while two ragged and bloody gashes ran down the length of his cheek. He appeared to be delirious, moaning incoherently, and Leia took hold of his prone hand, squeezing it gently.

"We'll have to sedate him," the medic told her. "He's in shock, Your Highness, he needs to go to medical immediately so that we can administer bacta treatment."

Struggling to comprehend the apparent severity of the situation, Leia nodded numbly and stood aside, allowing Luke's hand slip from her own as he was carried away.

Amidst her haze of panicked uncertainty, Leia sensed Carlist was at her side again and heard him mutter a hushed exchange with the medic. She looked from one to the other, alarmed at the ashen pallor of their faces.

"Carlist," she murmured, almost pleadingly.

"Lelila."

There was a stange, grave finality in his use of her childhood nickname, one that her parents had lovingly bestowed, that somehow served as confirmation that Leia's very worst fear had now become a reality. A heavy silence had descended within the hangar and Leia suddenly felt very exposed amidst the watching crowd.

She strode up the ramp and entered the _Falcon's_ access corridor. Ignoring the bloody bandages that had been discarded haphazardly across the ship's deck and the nauseating sense of dread that had settled in the pit of her stomach, Leia made her way into the main hold and found neither Han nor Chewbacca. Carlist was following her, pleading with her to listen to him but Leia paid no mind to his earnest efforts to console her and instead made for the cockpit.

There she found only Chewbacca, slumped in the co-pilot's chair. The Wookie did not acknowledge her presence; his elbows were braced upon his knees, cradling his face as he warbled something that sounded to Leia like a repentant prayer.

Upon witnessing Chewie's disconsolate demeanour and the empty seat beside him that should have been occupied by the _Falcon's_ captain, the tenuous control that Leia had kept of her emotions finally unravelled completely.

 _This is what happens when you allow yourself to love_ , taunted that cruel voice within her subconscious. _You have no one to blame for this but yourself...Han is gone, and he's taken that future that you were naive enough to believe you could share with him._

"Princess." Carlist laid a gentle hand upon her shoulder. "Leia, I am so sorry."

Leia collapsed to her knees in the doorway and wept.


End file.
